I have been told that I have "a flare for language", a "talent for writing", a "gift for the word." For many years, family members and friends have at times "commissioned" a piece of writing from me. In fact, my grandmother has told me that she has in her will that I must compose a poem for her funeral. I have tried to explain that it doesn't work that way, that I can't just make myself write. She will hear none of it, she says that she has it in writing and since it is her final wish, I must obey. (She is a feisty one!)
However, it is true. There is nothing that I have written that has come solely from me. When I have attempted to force the gift, it has failed miserably. That is because the gift, is not my own, but the LORD's. I am only His instrument. I never feel this more acutely than when an entire essay, poem, or story comes to me in an instant, like a stiff breeze blowing into my mind, yet I cannot nor will not write it down immediately. Try as I may, if I seek to recreate that piece of writing later, I may be able to in some sense, but will never achieve the original level of eloquence and undoubtedly some of my favorite key points will be lost.
It is by the Holy Spirit that I write, it is by His intercession and grace that they words flow. This past week, I began to wonder if my blessing of this blog had run it's course, if God had already decided that my work was done. My trusty laptop effectively died, and with great effort I sought other means to compose a post, but it would not be. I was frustrated, there were readers waiting for my posts, the small band of followers I amassed would seek inspiration elsewhere. Didn't God know how difficult it is to make any kind of headway in the Catholic blogging world? I started blogging to evangelize, and now my ministry had been cut short! But, in my beginnings of devastation of my "lost empire," I forgot the King that I serve. I had mad it about me, and not about Him. I was not evangelizing last week in my contrived posts, I was seeking glory, and He knew it!
Today I was blessed with a Day of Recollection with Father Andrew Apostoli. (If he ever visits anywhere near you, you must go hear him pray and speak). In the middle of the day was a Holy Hour, my truly favorite institution of the Church. There is, I believe, nothing more powerful than adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. You have no choice but to be moved and changed simply by being in its presence. It is a power that defies explanation.
During the Holy Hour, I prayed about many things, but one constant theme was seeking God's will for my life, particularly this blog. Was this the end? Should I end my writing, because it was interfering with my sanctification instead of spreading the Good News. I had become acutely aware of God's Hand in my technical difficulties and was seeking guidance on what He wished me to learn from it. Then I recognized my sin of pride, this blog is not mine, it is His, as are all my "possessions." I prayed ardently for the chance to do my mission as set forth by the Father, whatever that would be. Even knowing that that could mean the end of this much prayed over blog. However, God not only reveled His wish for me to keep writing, but promised me a post on writing by His Grace.
This was confirmed during the afternoon talk, when Fr. Andrew stated that, "Nothing belongs to you but your sin." Nothing! None of this is ours, it has come from dust and to such it will return. When we entered this world, we carried nothing, and when we leave we will do the same. All that we have and are is but a temporary loan from the God Almighty. The only piece that comes in with us is Original Sin, and the only part that we take out to judgement is the culpability of our earthly transgressions. I have always known this, but it is good to be reminded. In such a possession thirsty culture, the worldliness creeps into every crevice when we aren't looking.
Father Andrew concluded his talks with this admonition. "Without Christ I can do nothing, but with Christ I can do anything." Through true humility and devotion to Christ, through sacrifice and faith, all is possible for His glory. And so, I came to the library, not knowing if this attempt would work, but trusting that God would deliver a post as He promised when it suited His Will best, and here is the post. Written by my hands, but composed by the spirit.
I am praying to St Joseph for a miracle resurrection of my computer--frivolous I know. There are people dying for the faith, without food and water and I am praying for a computer. However, I have asked for it so that I can begin again to use it as a tool for Him. I had gotten into the habit of praying through the Divine Office online and reading and researching to deepened my faith. I wish to have this link, so that I can evangelize as God sees fit. I know that through Christ it can happen, but without His blessing even the most amazing of machines is rendered useless.
I have more ideas of what I wish to write, but I lay them at the feet of Jesus and wait for His timing to coming. I ask for prayers for me and my computer so that I can continue to reach all the ends of the Earth as I feel God has asked me to do. If you are at any of those ends, please pray for me. God bless you all, and I will continue to pray for each of you, as God's humble servant. Let thy Will be done!