An Open Letter to Grief

I am linking up with Kate for her pre-holiday letters to grief link-up.

Dear Grief,
You have found me despite my hopes to escape you. You have become a travelling companion through this journey of life, but never a friend.

You are the proverbial glass of spilled milk, happening when most inconvenient, spilling all over me and my home. You splash and roll into unexpected places, hiding for me to find as I go about my every day work, clinging to ordinary items and ringing them with painful recollection. Left unaddressed, your spill begins to smell and turn the stomach, causing disorientation, upset, and regret. Crying over you changes nothing, but in tears I can wash you away, I can shine the marred surfaces and begin anew. In tears I may respond but I am not vanquished, you have not won.

In the end these three remain, hope, faith, and love--the greatest of these is love. I am loved by my Beloved, and by those for whom I mourn. For without love what is there to grieve? Because I have love, I have faith. Faith that my tears will turn to joy, my weeping to dancing in my Father's Kingdom. From my faith, I have hope, a hope no one can kill, a hope no pain can squelch.

I am not abandoned, I am not alone, you will never make me an orphan. I am a daughter of the King of Kings and His Reign will never end. He has prepared a place for me, and filled my heart with grace, washed my soul with peace that surpasses all understanding.

I will never be your slave, I have been bought at a price, ransomed to His own, exaulted by His Holy Hand. He has sent His angels to minister to me, with legions of heavenly armies goes before me, and stands behind me through the valley of darkness to the mountain of plenty.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given. Through the familiar carols laced with bittersweet recollections, is the story of my past, present, and future. Your hold on my heart is illusion, your power over my emotions a fleeting whimsy. I have been promised the Kingdom and you have already been destroyed.

Gloria in excelsis Deo!!  His Joy is my strength, and I will rejoice in all things, for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow again, I will rise up and greet the Son.

In Him,
Jennifer

You can read more about my struggles with grief here, here, and here.

Pennies from Heaven

First, thank you to all who are praying. I cannot believe the outpouring of love that my middle of the night heart cry has received. God bless you all.

I wrote this after my father died. God has always made His presence known during the hardest times. Yesterday, as I was getting back into my car after dropping my two oldest at a friend's home, I found a penny outside my car door that wasn't there when I had gotten out. It reminded me once more of this story, and I had to share.

Pennies from Heaven

The day my father died was a warm and sunny late spring day.  I awoke

to the phone ringing over and over with my cell phone signaling text

messages simultaneously.  With my heart and soul I knew there was a

problem.  When I finally was awake enough to answer the phone, my

sister calmly recounted the events of the early hours and pleaded with

me sincerely, but sternly, to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

 I at first thought of taking a shower and making the kids breakfast

but then her words sunk in and I quickly dressed and coaxed the kids

to do the same.  I hurriedly called a friend to watch them for awhile

and then piled my two little ones into my car.

After ushering the children into our friend’s home and quietly making

my exit before the little guy noticed, I found a single, shiny penny

next to my car.  I recalled an email I had received years earlier from

my Godmother about a rich man who always picked up every penny he saw.

 One day someone questioned why he would bother to pick up a penny

when he had so many millions of dollars.  His reply changed my view

toward the meager penny forever, he picked them up because they said

“in God we trust” on them.  He said a little prayer of thanks that we

could trust God every time he saw a little penny.  I knew that this

penny was a sign that I could still trust God.

I slipped the penny carefully into my pocket and thought to myself

that I would keep that penny forever because I found it the day my

father died.  He was still alive at the time, but in my soul I knew

that it was only a matter of very short time before he would be gone,

perhaps I had already missed him.  I jumped back in my car and began

the drive to the hospital, praising God for His provision while

pleading for a miracle on the scale of raising Lazarus after four

days.

It had been a hard two years already, yet they had begun on the

ultimate high of my life—the birth of my son.  Our daughter had been a

very high risk pregnancy.  It was a miracle that I was able to carry

her to term, even a bigger one that she was completely healthy.  After

we had her, we experienced a three year battle of infertility that

dragged me to the deepest depths of despair.  The doctor was stumped

and prepared us that a pregnancy may never be possible.  When I had

pushed myself as far as I possibly could go on my quest for another

child, I threw myself at the feet of the LORD and begged for mercy.  I

was okay if His final answer was no, I just needed an answer so that I

could move on.

 By His grace, I conceived despite the amazement of the

doctors and all my hormonal issues disappeared much to their

confoundment.  And so, my Samuel was born and I felt like I had

conquered the world and held a piece of Heaven itself in my arms.

However, the high was abruptly thwarted by my mother’s diagnosis with

stage four brain cancer.  Despite my absolute love for my child and my

longing to just spend endless hours just soaking in this precious

little love, I put my motherly desires aside a bit and tended to my

own mother.  Through prayer and powerful intercession she made it

through Chemotherapy, radiation, two surgeries, and came out on the

other side of cancer—remission.

 My little love had been the glue that

held me together through it all, however when I opened my eyes after

endless months of a complete blur, he wasn’t a baby anymore.  I longed

to have another chance to cuddle and kiss my newborn.  I dreamed of

getting to hold a baby for hours and hours without interruption.  I

begged God to find a way for us to have one more child.  But, I knew

that I had already been blessed so greatly.  I finally realized that I

had two remarkable miracles, I was satisfied, and I had made peace

with the events of Samuel’s first year and praised God that our family

was moving forward again.

Then, much to our amazement, I became pregnant.  I felt as if the

storm was finally over, we had been through the valley and were

heading up the mountainside once more.  However, at ten and a half

weeks the baby’s heart stopped beating.  On the ultrasound screen, I

saw a perfect little face, hands and feet so still and peaceful.  My

heart sank immediately at the absence of a fluttering heart.  The

ensuing miscarriage ripped at my soul.  The emotional turmoil was

matched only by the physical agony of an infection, emergency D&C, and

two weeks of painful recovery.

The day before I found that precious penny, was only the second time I had

seen my father in nearly three weeks, I never dreamed it would be the last

day I would see him.  I was in shock, I text messaged friends and

asked them to pray and pray hard.  It all seemed too terrible to be

true. I kept thinking I must be wrong, this will pass.  But in my

heart I knew the truth.  It hadn’t been what my sister said, but how

she said it.  The calm, metered tone of her voice said more than any

words could convey.  I could feel in her voice what she wasn’t saying

and the weight of her knowledge of an unfolding tragedy that she could

not allow her brain to absorb yet.  She was caring for our mother as

her husband and our brother tended to our father at the hospital.  She

had called and sent me a text message when the ambulance left our

parents’ home, but it had been the first night I had slept in nearly

three weeks.  I am usually a light sleeper, but this time I slept

right through it.

When I arrived at the hospital, my entire family was there.  We sat

crammed into a room that was more like a closet waiting for a doctor

to talk to us.  A nurse finally came out and told us we could go in

soon but cautioned that he was very sick.  Moments after she left we

heard the beeping of machines and the announcement of a code blue in

room 420—our father’s room.  We all knew what had happened, but still

held out hope that we were wrong.  Less than two days earlier, Daddy

had gone for a “routine” prostate biopsy.  A twenty minute procedure,

took his life only 36 hours later.  He developed a case of sepsis and

was beyond any earthly means of medicine.

As we gathered at my mother’s home later that day, my husband, Drew,

and I dawdled and debated on when we should tell our kids.  We decided

to let them play and have fun as long as we could before breaking the

news.  Our God-sent friend kept our two through breakfast, lunch,

snacks, naps, and dinner while six months pregnant and tending to her

own three children.  At six o'clock Drew finally picked up the

children.  He sat them down and explained what had happened, our

daughter’s only concern was who would take care of Grandma.  The kids

agreed that they wanted to go to Grandma’s—we had given them the

option—and so the two came bounding in.  We tried to keep things light

and as my husband flipped Samuel upside down in a tickle monster

frenzy, pennies fell from his pockets.  More pennies to remind me to

trust God.

I saved those pennies and decided to give one to each grandchild along

with a photo memory book of their grandfather.  However, the pennies

didn’t stop there.  In the weeks that followed I found countless

pennies all over the place—on my countertop, in the laundry, in the

diaper bag and my pocketbook, in shoes and on the ground, in grocery

bags at Shoprite, the bathtub and dresser drawers.  Each a reminder of how

good God is.  The pennies all told would not even amount to enough to purchase a cup of

coffee from Dunkin Donuts , but I know that when I prayerfully accepted

each one another brick was laid in my mansion in Heaven.

Just after my father’s death, I heard people questioning how God could

do this and whether there even could be a God.  But, truly this was a

act of free will.  My father, of his own free will, chose the doctor who

performed the procedure and this doctor—who we have discovered does

not have a good track record—chose of free will to not take certain

precautions.  I think the bigger question is how could God give us

free will?  Why would a God who can simply speak an entire universe

into majestic being, give people free will to single handedly destroy

it?  Why would the God who formed Adam with His own hands and filled

his lungs with His own breath, who knew each of us from before the

beginning of time, then give man the free will to take a life out of

rage or desire or convenience?  God did not do this, but He has been

there through it all.

I praise Him for the little girl that He gave to me for almost three

months who peacefully died and rests now in Heaven.  I praise Him for

my mother’s conquest of cancer and the outpouring of love that we have

received and continue to receive from friends throughout her battle.

I praise Him for the 34 years I spent with my father and the chance

to see him and kiss him goodbye one last time before he passed.  I

praise Him for the eternity that I will spend with my daughter,

Ashley, and my father, and all those loved ones I hold only in my

heart now.  I praise Him for my two little miracles that are snuggly

asleep in warm, safe beds.  I praise Him for a country that was

founded by men who trust God and allows me to worship, praise and

trust Him any way I want. I praise Him that I have a family who is

willing to stick together in good times and bad no matter our

differences.  And I praise Him for pennies from Heaven, a wealth that

I neither created nor deserve.

In God We Trust, that's Why We Pay Cash

This is a short post but a little epiphany that came to me the other day and I wanted to share.  At a recent homeschooling conference, I had to bail a friend out because the vendor selling the books she needed would not take cash.  That's right, they would take checks, credit, debit, anything but cash.  It is very curious, however, I have realized more and more how we have gotten away from the use of cash.  I am trying very hard to move in the opposite direction.  We do have credit cards and debit cards, although we have never carried a balance. {Actually, to be honest, I did carry a balance once because I wasn't being frugal and attentive and figured I will just take a couple of months to pay.  I learned very quickly how much more it costs to do that and never did again!}  However, since I have moved from working part-time to being home full-time, I am trying harder to save a bit of money and manage my money better because there is significantly less of it.  It is proving a difficult transition, but I am making headway and have actually save about $200 over the past six months.

The main way that I have saved money is using cash because I can easily move a dollar or two to a "savings envelope" when ever I feel like it and that money is actually saved.  I am not just living under the illusion of saving big because of coupons, etc, which do have their place but do not put money in your pocket.  Anyway, I began thinking of how our culture is becoming one of the virtual.  Letter, pictures, bills, payments--everything can be accomplished at the click of a button, which is great sometimes, but we have lost something.  One thing we are losing is our focus on God.

In an all cash society, we were reminded daily of the foundation of our country and world.  "In God We Trust" is written on every piece of money produced by our mints.  I wonder how many people have not even seen a paper bill nor minted coin in the past year.  We are pushing God out of our finances with disastrous results.  When you are using cash and paying up front there is more of a sense of what is being spent, more of a chance to reflect on whether or not your purchases are necessary.  With cash it is easier to sacrifice what you have and give a bit to those in need.  Can't do that with a debit card!

Money Wise with Howard Dayton is always quoting the scripture verse, "the borrower will be slave to the lender."  In other words, debt holds us down.  We are trying desperately to find a way out of our mortgage debt because we want to be freer to serve God and country.  But, what about the lack of reflection on God that wiping out paper money creates.  Is it just another way to force God out of our land?  We in America are blessed with so much, even the poorest among us has more opportunities and resources than much of the rest of the world.  We have been blessed because we began as a nation centered on God. Now, we are becoming a nation centered on greed and consumerism.  We must remember that we may want that x.y, or z now, but we can survive without it.  We must trust God to provide for our needs, He promised that He will and He never goes back on a promise; and if we are to be indebted or enslaved to someone, let it be to the LORD whose yoke is easy and burden is light.

All of this is easy to forget and coveting has become a national past-time, so I am fully acknowledging that I do not always remember to rely fully on God and set my sights on the treasures of Heaven. I am human and living in a fallen world.  However, I am trying hard to remember that nothing I "have" is truly mine, it is all given to me through the LORD, and He is at liberty to take it back at any time.  We must be good stewards, but always detached from that which we are entrusted.

I'm going to close with a little story that my Godmother sent me years ago.  It was only a forwarded email, but it has stuck with me for over a decade.  There was a very, very rich man who had everything he could ever want and need.  One day, he was out to lunch with some friends and as they left the restaurant, he stooped down and gently picked up a penny that was lying on the sidewalk.  A friend laughed at him and said, "You have so much money, why are you picking pennies up off the ground?"  The rich man replied, "Do you see what it says here, 'In God We Trust.'  Every time I see a penny on the ground, I pick it up and say a little prayer thanking God that we can trust Him so much."

Trust in God and remember to thank Him for that!  He will never fail you, no matter what.  Even when all is lost, our God is able, faithful, and trustworthy always and forever.

The Name of the Living God

In Biblical history and Jewish tradition, the name of God is so sacred, so revered, that it is never uttered.  Even Moses, who is the one mere mortal that comes closest to seeing God face to face and lives to tell about it, is only given a descriptive title when he asks for God's name.  "I AM who AM." Catholic teaching has reverted back to not speaking aloud the name of God, which is derived from the title above, within the Mass.  The Hebrew letters הוה (Yod Heh Vav Heh) were translated into Roman script as Y H V H.  Traditional Hebrew has no written vowels, the vowels sounds are taught and memorized.  However, the name of God was never allowed to be spoken, thus over the centuries, the original pronunciation has been forgotten.  (Jewish tradition also prevents the writing of God's name so that it can never be erased, hence the representation G-d in print.) Some variations of these four letter have been used by Christian, for example Yahweh and Jehovah, but as I said above, in the latest translation of the Mass, the title Yahweh has been removed from songs and spoken prayers because of its divine nature.

In the Our Father prayer, we pray "Hallowed by Thy Name."  Have you ever thought of what that means?  It is a plea that the Name of God be revered and praised, exalted and reserved.  His Name should be one of worship and prayer, not every day speech.  Taking the LORD's name in vain is not just the misuse of the name, it is the overuse of it, turning it into an everyday phrase, essentially devoiding it of meaning. (Exodus 20:7) This is the true heart of that commandment.  While using God's name as a profanity is the highest form of disrespect and rejection of His Grace, it is truly the overuse of the Name that is stripping the hallowedness from the Name above all Names. (Philippians 2:8-11)

I have been struck lately by the pervasiveness of taking God's name in vain and realized that most people do not even realize what they are doing.  It is part of our conventional and casual conversations, the same as "on the go," "all the way," and "dirt cheap." are idioms that we say but never really consider the meaning before they pass our lips.  How much more so has God's name become one of our common phrases that can mean anything from surprise to disgust, from excitement to insult.  It is not just the secularization of America that is dragging God's name down, it is a true cosmic battle.

By making the most sacred, the most mundane, satan is dragging our world into his lair and stripping our souls of the awe and wonder worthy of God.  We are being desensitized to the most powerful Word at our disposal.  Surely, God always hears all that we say, and if we were to cry out His Name in heartfelt need, He would listen, but we must realize that we will also be held accountable for every word we have spoken during our lives.  (Matthew 12:26) Moreover, with the loss of reverence, how many are being taught the power of the Living God, by realizing the power that is in His Name?

It all began with the catch phrase, "Thank God it's Friday."  Not much vanity there except for the fact that how many who were saying that were actually thanking God?  This was then shortened to TGIF, same idea, but the Name of God was being evoked and erased at the same time. That then became the name of a famous restaurant TGIFriday's, another step down the path away from a God fearing nation.  With the advent of texting and it's new"language" we can now swear against God and still never say His name.  Some may think this it is better to use OMG than to actually utter the profanity, but both are vain uses of God's name, the only difference is the first is evoking and denouncing God without realizing it.

If God's name had no power, why would it be so profaned?  There is no other deity who's name is cursed or twisted or misused as Our LORD's.  The power is there, we just don't realize it.  Scripture states that , "at the sound of His Name, every knee shall bend." (Philippians 2:10) In the second coming, we will all bend, whether we like it or not, and just as the shafts of wheat and bundles of weeds are bent and uprooted and then tossed into the harvest or into the fire, our God-designed souls will force us to show Him reverence. However, think of how many times, just out on any given day, you hear God's name misused and no knees bend, no homage is paid, no praise is uttered.  We are losing not only our faith but our most valuable weapon.  When Joshua called upon the LORD, the wall of Jericho fell.  (Joshua 6) We have not only devalued God's name, but at the same time that it is being vainly used, we are forcing His Name and His presence out of every corner of public life.

As followers of Christ, we must measure our words carefully so that they always give glory to God and we never perversely utter His Divine Name.  However, I think that we must also find a way to bring sanctity back to the public square.  We must find a way to show honor to God as reparation for His Name being misused.  Fear of GOD is not a bad thing, we should fear the All Powerful, All-Knowing, Ever Present LORD, if we do  not, we obviously do not grasp His true Power and Magnitude.  It is time we take back the sacred.  I do not know how this is to be done, but I feel that as a body of believers, we must begin the discussion and pray for guidance.

How do you think we should return sacredness to the Name of Our Precious LORD?

Sand, Sand, Sand...and what it has taught me about God!

We are right, smack in the middle of swim season, which should be more aptly named sand season.  As I have mentioned before, we are blessed to live on a beautiful lake with a lovely beach.  My children take swim lessons five to six days a week, but more important than the lessons is the fun and friendships they have at the beach.  However, the sand!!!

I have tried everything over the past nine years of living here.  I shower them as we exit the beach, we take our shoes off on the deck, I brush off their feet, we hang towels outside, they go directly to the shower when the enter the house, I even once kept a bucket on the deck to rewash feet.  No matter what I do, the house gets full of sand.  I have been known to chide my children that if they want a beach to go back to they must leave some of the sand behind.  Alas, it is sand season...

However, the other day as I was yet again sweeping up mounds of sand and beginning to grumble about it, I had a thought, a God thought.  We ty hard to leave the sand at the beach, sure we like that nice "healthy glow" at summer's end and all the fantasic memories.  We enjoy recounting the swimming and fishing tales and make it well known that we are blessed to live a mile from the beach, but we don't want sand to leave the beach.  When it creeps into our cars and our homes, we gumble and fuss, we bemoan and belittle the beach that we love so much.  Why can't it just stay where it belongs?  Yes, we belong to the beach but it doesn't have to follow us around.  And besides, does the whole world need to know that we live on a beach by the stray sand we seem to lug everywhere we go?

That is when I realized, how often do I do that to God?  He is everywhere and we are proud to comment about our relationship with God and the church we attend, but do we really want Him everywhere?  Do we try to keep Him in one place or another, on one day or another, in our prayer time and our Bibles, but not in our cleaning and entertainment.  I realized how much I wanted God everywhere, I want Him to stick to me and follow me and be very difficult to get rid of.  BUT, that means I need to live every moment as if I am on God's beach if you will.  I need to accept that things aren't always perfect and pretty, but that is God working and the fact that much is being expected of me is a sign of how much He trusts and loves me.  I also need to take Him with me and not try to shluff Him off or contain His presence.  Every moment, every room, every task should be at the feet of God, because whether we like it or not, He is there and watching.  So this is my challenge for the next month, as I prepare to say so long to summer and sand, to find God in every spot and to let Him be in every breath and motion.  I want God to stick to me like sand and me stick to Him the same way.  Perhaps heaven isn't a garden nor a cloud, maybe it's actually a beach!

How do you bring God with you throughout your day and travels?